Quotes

�This is just a harmless �walking�-staff.�
�Yes, and this is just a harmless �walking�-sword.� ~Getting into town, EarthDawn

�Don�t you love how paint sticks to walls all by itself?� ~Jeremy, Zits, Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman

�In socialism, man is suppressed by man. But in communism, it�s the other way around.� ~James Ayers

�They certainly are.� ~Goblin Offensive, Magic: The Gathering

Rory: �And they blamed the Matrix on Columbine!�
Rachel: �Uh, Rory, I think you got that backward.�

�Good God, I just put a glove in the glovebox. That�ll be a first.� ~Tannim, Chrome Circle, by Mercedes Lackey and Larry Dixon

Cassy: Beer smells and tastes like moose piss.

Chad: Poo-tweet foowatatata is a good example of onomatopoeia.
Kris: Onomatopoeia meaning �makes no sense�?

Alya: What the hell could you possibly need all those pockets for?
Xek: Umm� barbed wire, berries, granola bars, pager, cell phone, keys, and� a small copper pentagram? Where the hell did this come from?

Elycia: That�s okay, my sins have already been paid for.
Terryn: Chocolate loonies are not the currency of God.
God: Says you!

Kris: The human race is a bunch of stubborn idiots stuck with each other on this wretched island. If we�ve gotten this far as a species then I think we�re too damn good at survival, which lets us have all this idle time for questioning reality and all that stuff, which makes me realize that I ramble on forever when I have the chance� ugh. I�m gonna go paint.

Shawnisi: Why would I want longer lasting and firmer erections?! I�m a GIRL goddammit!
Just a note to say thank you, for making it onto my quotes page as saying what I say oh so often.

Chaz: Jess? Does an epileptic cow constitute beef jerkey?

In a similar note...

Joey: It's a moo point.
Chandler: Joey, I think you mean "a moot point."
Joey: No, it's a moo point. You know, it's like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter.
- TV's Friends, from back when the foreign exchange student hooked us on watching it

Seth: I have an ethical question: Is it wrong to put another human being in the microwave?
Kris: How could you fit another human being in the microwave?
Seth: Oooooooookay, I have another ethical question�

Xek: Now that I think about it, what have trash cans done to not be randomly attacked?
Nathan: Keep going, Xek, I think you�re on to something.

Zonius: Life is� ah, shit, the lightbulb just blew.
Ashton: Yep, Zon, that�s life.

Nathan: Beavers are hamburgers waiting to happen.

Sys: This room is interesting. Eight minutes ago we were talking about the plural form of moose, then abortion, then ninja movies, and now tattoos.
Shawnisi: And it will invariably turn to sex.

Xek: Geez! I go to answer the phone and the conversation goes to sexual deviancy without me!

Sparrow: You�re a rutebega! You don�t have a pituitary gland!
Does this mean this rutebega person can't be Discordian?

Terryn: The Titanic was made of cheese and sank because it was Swiss cheese, not because of some stupid hunk of ice, OKAY?!

Sky: Food is far superior to hardware peripherals.

Cassy: Can anybody tell me why that melon is smiling at me?

"My cat does not talk as respectfully to me as I do to her."-- Colette

"Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use."-- Mark Twain

"Most beds sleep up to six cats. Ten cats without the owner."-- Stephen Baker

Eric: Yo, sup Daz?
Dazya: Eric, all the backwards hats in the world will not make you ghetto.

Kasya: You and your flunkies should form a clan and fuck each other to death. Then Zon and I will take your rotting carcasses and feed them to cheerleaders.

"Of all the toys available, none is better designed than the owner himself. A large multipurpose plaything, its parts can be made to move in almost any direction. It comes completely assembled and it makes a sound when you jump on it."-- Stephen Baker

Shawnisi: Orgasms feel cool.
Seth: So does electroshock. What�s your point?

"To gain the friendship of a cat is a difficult thing. The cat is philosophical, metholodical, quiet animal, tenacious of it's own habits, fond of order and cleanliness, and it does not lightly confer its friendship. If you are worthy of its affection, a cat will be your friend, but never your slave. He keeps his free will, though he loves, and he will not do for you what he thinks is unreasonable. But if he once gives himself to you it is with absolute confidence and affection"-- Theophile Gautier, 1850

Sky: Rice should not move. Rice should sit there and rice quietly.

"When adressed, a gentleman cat does not move a muscle. He looks as if he hasn't heard."-- Mary Sarton

Chad: I�ve gone through a shitkicking breakup with my blender and I don�t think I should mount my poodle alone tonight.

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."-- Missy Dizick

Sky: I like my women as thin as chopsticks, so I can eat my rice with them.

"I like my women like I like my coffee - in a plastic cup." - Eddie Izzard

"A cat is a lion in a jungle of small bushes."-- Indian saying

Chad: All your tubgirls belong to lobster mullet.

"The really great thing about cats is their endless variety. One can pick a cat to fit almost any kind of decor, colour scheme, income, personality, mood. But under the fur, whatever colour it may be, there still lies, essentially unchanged, one of the world's free souls."-- Eric Gurney

Azrael: In the beginning there was nothing. God said �LET THERE BE LIGHT!!!!� Then� well, there was still nothing, but at least you could see it.

"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function."-- Garrison Keillor

Elycia: You have nothing.
Terryn: I have myself and� my� sexiness!
Nathan: You have nothing.

"It is a very inconvenient habit of kittens that, whatever you say to them, they always purr."-- Lewis Carroll

Cassy: I bow down to those who are true, for I can scream out PikaCHU!
Eric: Most certainly, the anti-drug campaign of Meridian has failed.

"No man ever dared to manifest his boredom so insolently as does a Siamese tomcat when he yawns in the face of his amorously importunate wife."-- Aldous Huxley

Gate: I remember my youthful days at the frozen volcano, watching half-naked lava skaters catfight for no reason while I munched on gherkins dipped in hoisin sauce. Ah, those were the days. Of course, when things cleared up I found myself in Budapest with no pants.

"No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch."-- Leo Dworken

Azrael: Seth, man, leave the mIRC Catholics alone!
Seth: I didn�t do anything!
Azrael: You didn�t ask where you could buy �Catholic Schoolgirls Go Wild 2002�?

"A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten."-- Doug Larson

Xek: Every week someone says they�re going to steal my lava lamps. It�s getting old. I wish they�re threaten, like, my anal virginity or something. I mean, something I�m actually scared of losing.

"Purring would seem to be, in her case, an automatic safety valve device for dealing with happiness overflow."-- Monica Edwards

Azrael: Women: Can�t live with �em, porn sucks without �em.

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."-- Joseph Krutch

Kris: Hallmark Moment: You�ve brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.

"When my cats aren't happy, I'm not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they're just sitting there thinking up ways to get even."-- Penny Ward Moser

Gate: Remember, kids, everything you do is more fun if you�re naked, unless if involves jellyfish.

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."-- Penny Ward Moser

Zonius: I just engraved my sword with �Sharp Fucking Implement, Take That As You Will�.

"The mathematical probability of a common cat doing exactly as it pleases is the one scientific absolute in the world."-- Lynn M. Osband

Kel: Ballet, a sport where guys wear leotards so tight you can tell what religion they are.

"Everything comes to those who wait...except a cat."-- Marilyn Peterson

Seth: Well, since we went to the same school I�ll assume you�re familiar with small firearms.

"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer."-- Paula Poundstone

Xek: Anyone wanna ram a katana through Terryn�s back while he�s down?
Zonius: Katana users don�t stab people in the back.
Xek: I can roll him over if you like.
Diia: I�ll ram a broadsword up his arse.
Zonius: Have you no HONOR?!

"Cats are our last best chance to have a dysfunctional relationship."-- John Bush

Kel: Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

"To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction--and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by."-- Stephen Baker

Ashton: I sense much Windows in you. Windows leads to Blue Screen. Blue Screen leads to downtime. Downtime leads to suffering. Windows is the path to the Dark Side.
Remind me I still wanted to switch to Linux or something before it's too late...

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."-- Jeff Valdez

Alya: Unfortunately, �nipple mice are the spawn of Satan� is not a compelling excuse, Chad.

"Most of us rather like our cats to have a streak of wickedness. I should not feel quite easy in the company of any cat that walked about the house with a saintly expression..."-- Beverly Nichols

Owen: Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow� the cow has failed its attempt at a lunar landing! That�s one small step for cows, one giant leap for the beef industry!

"Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren't like this. dog's idea of personal grooming is to roll in a dead fish."-- James Gorman

Kel: A bald nun, a gay lawyer, and Owen walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, �This has got to be the weirdest joke I�ve ever been in.�

A man has to work so hard so that something of his personality stays alive. A tomcat has it so easy, he has only to spray and his presence is there for years on rainy days."-- Albert Einstein

"Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children." Sam Levinson.

Ashton: In the beginning there were three�
Asha: And three became nine�
Seth: And then nine got hungry and then there were four�

"A kitten is so flexible that she is almost double; the hind parts are equivalent to another kitten with which the forepart plays. She does not discover that her tail belongs to her until you tread on it."-- Henry David Thoreau

"I like children - fried." WC Fields.

God: You change the way people think by using HEADLESS CHARRED BODIES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR! BLOOD! FLAMES! HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION!

"I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days."-- Comedian Bill Dana

"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder." Craig Charles.

Kris: You haven�t seen untidiness until you�ve seen a room where gravity has failed twice in different directions.

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." Groucho Marx.

Seth: Think Globally. Act Locally. Support Politicians. With A Rope.

"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent." Dave Barry.
Hmm... I think this may explain something about Lilies' history...

Alexander: If Nathan is anarchy, Seth is a paranoid schizophrenic after six days on speed.

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." Mark Twain.

Bryce: Is it normal to come out of a coma, count the pink elephants, and return a negative transcendental number?

"I'm going to give you a special talent, to make up for everybody else you're roleplaying with... When you're drunk, the pink elephants will give you advice." - Greg

Sky: The code that seemed so brilliant at 4:30 am now seems to be a chant about monkey testicles.

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." Mark Twain.

Jesse: Those who claim �There�s no wrong way to eat a Reese�s� never covered one in razorblades and stuck it in their eye socket.

"If I owned both Hell and Texas, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell." - W. T. Sherman

Cassy: So if everyone wore tall boots and nothing else at all, you wouldn�t mind?
Nathan: No, I�d probably like it.
Roland: What if the elderly joined in?
Nathan: Roland, man, don�t give me nightmares.

War! What is it good for? Television ratings!

Jonathan: I�m actually a born-again atheist.
Kelsey: So you proved to yourself that God didn�t exist, but that wasn�t good enough to you proved it again?
Jonathan: Yep.
Kelsey: You need something to do with your free time.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. - Homer Simpson

Xek: I�m going to make a biblical inspired porno mag. I�ll call it �The Burning Bush�� it could bring down white protestant america!

One good thing about Alzheimer's is that you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Jesse: You know, guys, I find it a bad sign when I�m cleaning the kitchen and can�t fit all the shot glasses into the dishwasher.

If you don't want to wash dishes, do 'em bad the first time.

Steven: I love debating religion with Sabrina. That�s why I have a black eye and broken finger at the moment.

Remember: Pillage, then burn.

Britanya: My daddy always said, �If it isn�t a sin you didn�t do it right or long enough.�

Let the sermon finish before you cook the missionary.

Sabrina: The difference between you and God, Jacob, is that God doesn�t sit around thinking he�s you.

Don't pet the sweaty things.

Mandi: I�m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I�m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends. But you can't wipe your friends on the couch.

Chaz: It�s just sad� we live in a society where it�s cheaper to buy a new TV than to repair the old one.
Jesse: And pizza gets to our door faster than the police.
Diia: Yes, but here the pizza boys are usually quite armed.

If all else fails... stop using all else.

Death: The idiot will hear a knocking door and complain about the noise. The normal man will answer it.
God: The smart man will look through the peephole first.
Azrael: The wise man won�t hear anything because he�s having sex.

When life gives you lemons... Shut up and eat your damn lemons!

Kris: AH! GET OUT BIN LADEN! FUCKING HOMO!
Roland: (Bin Laden Accent) I�m sorry!
Kris: Yeah, we�re ALL fucking SORRY! Give my regards to Elvis!!!
Seth: Holy Christ, you two are so fucking drunk.

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
(May barbarians invade your personal space!)

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant.
(May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy.)

Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansate non iam adesse.
(You know, Toto, I have the feeling we're not in Kansas anymore...)

Non Cogito Nimis Ergo Non Sim
(I don't think much, therefore I might not be)

Arianna: Did you die?
Zonius: For a short period of time, yes.
Arianna: Wow... what was it like?
Zonius: Tasted like chicken.

Democrats make better lovers (Who ever heard of a good piece of elephant?)

Ashton: Women have four types of orgasms: the religious kind, which are something like �Oh God, Oh GOD!�, the positive kind, which go �Yes Yes Yessssssssss�, the negative kind, kinda like �Oh no, oh no, oh nooooooo� and, of course, the FAKES, which go something like, �Oh YES, XEK, you�re SOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!�

If we weren't meant to eat animals, how come they're made of meat?

Shawnisi: Let me pose a question to you guys.
Ashton: Pose in a bikini.
Shawnisi: If I urinated the alcoholic beverage of your choice, would you drink it?
Alex: Naked. No bikini.
Ashton: I�ll drink anything that comes out of your body.
Alex: No fucking way.
Shawnisi: Not even pure Grey Goose Vodka?
Kris: My grandmother had a peeing statue. Water came out of the little boy�s dick. I have some pictures with it.
Shawnisi: Drinking statue urine?
Alex: That�s great, Kris. No really, it is.
Kris: Water.
Shawnisi: If it was coming out of the statue�s dick, then it�s statue urine.
Kris: I guess you could put it that way.
Shawnisi: I did. And I will, from now on.
Ashton: Hey Kris, I just remembered, you said once you�d jack a dog off for a grand.
Kris: Fuck you, I didn�t.
Ashton: I�m gonna check my bank account.
Alex: Yeah, time to put your hand where the dick is.
Kris: I�d fuck Shawnisi for a grand.
Shawnisi: You fucking wish. I wouldn�t touch you for a grand.
Ashton: I�ll touch a pretty girl for a grand.
Alex: Shut up, Ash, it�s your fucking money.
Ashton: Alright! I�m making profit!

Come, now, everybody knows the answer to that! What I want to know, is how fast does Dark travel?

Xek: Mercifully I eradicated the sin from my entire existence, and I exist on a psychic plain of pre-industrial revolution agricultural subsistence.
Chad: You make no fucking sense, that�s what.

I wonder what it's like to be a slice of cheese.

Roland: See you later, guys, I�m off to Aspen to go hunting.
Xek: While you�re there, drop in on my ex and tell her to slide under a gas truck and choke on her own blood.

What Would Jesus Do (for a Klondike bar)?

calin> You�re a goth?
Zonius> yes...
calin> we had a guy at school that wore black lipstick... and was all gothy... and then one day we caught him buying an assvibrator.
* asheki feels ill
Zonius> wait, you caught him?
Zonius> What, were you behind him in line at the ass vibrator store?

Men with an earring make the best husbands. They can take pain, and they know how to buy jewelry.

Sky> �There are 10 types of people in this world - Those who understand binary and those who don�t.�
SpaceRain> That�s only 2 types of people, Sky.
SpaceRain> You fucking IDIOT.
asheki> ...
Siet> He was joking, right? Tell me he was joking.

It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for my sex machine.

Alcaron> You should set yourself up a webcam, Ash. I don�t know why, but I get this feeling we�ll catch you doing something extremely stupid.
asheki> That�s exactly the reason I won�t set one up. There�s a high chance of me doing someone extremely embarrassin.
asheki> THING!
asheki> someTHING!

the truth is out there
(but I forgot the URL)

Clockwork> You know... The complexity of an N64 controller and the sensitivity of that analog stick, not to mention the hidden Z button, is a lot like a woman..
asheki> Except for the love and affection and sex. And tits. And vagina. Yeh, it�s a lot like the n64 controller you fuckin geek.

ROCK IS DEAD
Long live Paper and Scissors

asheki> No one could disguise themselves as me, I got too much charsima
Ickarus> Ya misspelt sarcsam asheki
Siet> So did you, stupid fuck.

History may not repeat itself, but it sure rhymes a lot. - Mark Twain

shmoo> i can�t wait to see my gf tonite
shmoo> i�m going to eat her sweet pussy
Siet> we�re happy for you. really.
shmoo> it�s like sweet strawberries.
asheki> what?!
asheki> ...
Siet> You�re a virgin, aren�t you?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

ShadiZAr> get your ass over here Ash
ShadiZAr> i could use a good hard... anything...
asheki> Oh sure. It�s always �Ash, come do this for me�. �Come out to Texas, Ash, fuck me like a beast, Ash, oh, HARDER, ASH!�
asheki> What about MY needs, GODDAMMIT!!!!
* Siet is violently ill

A mind is a terrible thing to confuse with an egg.

dilema> acronyms are cool.
dilema> let�s have an acronym contest
dilema> you go first, Siet!!! :D
Siet> stfu

Capitol punishment makes the State a murderer. (But imprisonment makes it a gay dungeonmaster.)

asheki> You�re at school?
De-Gen> yer
asheki> LOOK TEACHER IT SAYS CUNT ON THE SCREEN!!!!!!!!!!!!
*** De-Gen has quit #mercator
Siet> Ash you are such a fuck.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have it, neither will you.

SYIOUX> i only care about sex when i�m horny, when i�m not, I be like �omg ewww liek no way�
Siet> are you gay?
SYIOUX> no
Siet> Because if you are, that�s alright man.
SYIOUX> ...
Siet>I mean, I always suspected something.
SYIOUX> I�m not gay.
Siet> I support you 100%. We all do.
SYIOUX> i�m not fuckin gay
Siet> You don�t have to hide it. It�s alright. We won�t hold it against you.
SYIOUX> damit so maybe i think guys are hot that doesn�t mean im gay
*** SYIOUX has left #merc_alters
Artemys> Holy fuck, mate, ya just put that guy in therapy.

To you I'm an athiest. To God I'm the loyal opposition. - Woody Allen

JtHM> Creed is cutting edge.
asheki> Just because they make you want to slit your fuckin wrists does not make them cuttin edge.
*twitch*... Somebody taking their name from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac probably shouldn't really think of Creed as cutting edge.*/twitch*

The problem with sex in the movies is your popcorn usually spills.

Earth First! We can strip mine the other planets later.

Save A Tree, Eat A Beaver
Hmm... seems to fit in well with the earlier quote of "A beaver is a hamburger waiting to happen"...

THE_RAY> Did you guys hear about that shootin in Colorado?
THE_RAY> Any of you guys from there?
asheki> Oh yeah I got home from the shootin and just logged on you dumb fuck
Siet> I got shot in the head four times... but I�m okay...

Careful, we don't want to learn from this...