Ouch.

You know how I said "You will have times soon that are better than any you've had before, and they will be balanced by those that are the crappiest you've ever contemplated" in my last entry?

I should've kept my big mouth shut because I got to experience the second half today.

And because of this, I'm not going to be subtle anymore.

Just under a month ago I realized I was in love with Fenton. A few days later he confessed that he was in love with me, too.

He was the "I'm in love! He loves me too! I'm so happy!" guy.

And it's true. He made me happier than anybody else ever has.

And today he broke my heart. Ripped it in shreds. Tore it out and stomped on it. All that fun stuff.

Last night I sent him a message saying "I really wish you'd talk to Jess soon, although part of me realizes you'd probably rather wait till after you've come and actually visited me."

And I guess he misread it to say "I know you wanted to wait until you'd come to see me, but I want you to talk to Jess now."

The long and the short of it is that whilst talking to Jess today, she told him that somehow she'd fallen in love with him, and he told me about an hour and a half ago that he's in love with her.

Feel free to take a look at their diaries:

Jess - Fenton

She feels about him the way I do.

Luckily for her, she's actually met him. And knows that she can make him happy.

And so while I'm glad for both of them, a part of me just died.

I've been crying enough today so that my contacts have gone blurry. That's never happened to me before. I've had contacts for well over a year, and I've cried plenty hard during that year. Remember Lenny, anybody?

And yet I've cried so much in the last twelve hours that I can't see.

The worst part is knowing that several people told me I shouldn't do this, because I would end up getting hurt. And I was in love, and I ignored them, and they were right.

I can't even listen to music right now without upsetting myself more.

I feel betrayed. When I woke up this morning this was the furthest thing from my mind. He loved me, and that would always be there.

And now it's not.

The bottom just dropped out of my world.

And I know he reads this... and all I can say is that I'm going to try to be happy for you, and I'm going to try to be here for you.

Just please understand that right now I can't.