I feel as though my head isn't attached anymore.

I got dropped from my Design I class today.

That kinda sucked.

So I was really upset, and all.

I love my friends. They're great. They gave me some really good advice.

I didn't get to call Mom though because it was about 11 when I got back from rehearsal and my phone card is completely flat.

.....

Heather's kinda mad at me now, I think, because of the whole situation with Fenton.

Yes, I'm still in love with him.

But I think that I'm figuring out how things are going to go with us, so that's good.

He won't be my lover.

But he will be my friend.

And friends really are more important than lovers.

That's why I have a hell of a lot more of them, right?

At any rate... yeah, I'm still going to be hurting for a good long while, I'm sure.

But he's happy, and he wants me to be happy too, and is upset that I'm hurting.

Yeah, theoretically speaking I could tell him to fuck off and block him from email, Yahoo, AIM, all the rest of it... not take his phone calls, go away on weekends so he couldn't find me if he tried to drive out here...

And that would kill a part of me.

And I think that I wouldn't be me anymore, because that would be the part that makes me all zany and all that fun stuff.

And I have a terrible feeling I'd end up brainwashing myself into being a normal person.

.....

So I've come to this realization... Sometimes, you can't have the relationship with somebody you want to have. But sometimes you can have the relationship with someone that you and they need to have.

So while I'm going to go on and live my life, I'm also going to let a part of myself sit back and wait for the other green-eyed dark-haired cute crazy guy to come up to me and ask me to dance in the rain.