This whole world, well, don't it make you want to think "damn"...

It's 1:30 in the morning. I've had an odd day. I stayed home from school, right enough... and spent all afternoon trying to get a hold of Lenny. Didn't really work.

I called at 1, and he didn't want to wake up yet. So I called again at 3, and Donna had just come over and was helping him move all his stuff. I called again and again, and he kept getting busy at stuff and being out of the house...

And now I'm online talking to him, and despite that I'm starting to cry right now because of how he's acting.

I think maybe, whether he knows it or not, he's trying to piss me off so that I'll want him to go away...

Something like that, anyway. I don't know how else to put it... I don't think that it's that he doesn't like me, or doesn't want to still go out with me even if he's living in Texas or whatever... but....

It's almost like he'd rather have me hate him, for whatever reason, so that he doesn't have to worry about upsetting me by being gone. I don't know if that makes any sense, and it's not really something I'm going to ask him about, but I think there's probably at least a grain of truth in that.

He's really busy with a thingie that I probably shouldn't talk about at all. Because after all, it's something that he takes very seriously and has been involved in for the past seven years, I think he said, and now has a very high rank, and if they knew he was busy talking to me at the same time, they'd get pretty pissed off at him.

Which doesn't really make me any happier, of course... I mean, let's face it, I should be fucking asleep right now, or reading the shit for tomorrow, or writing a speech... since I have to have one... or packing, or something... but I don't care.

Right now, I just want to be back where I was. I want it to be Sunday evening again, before I left, only without the Mountain Dew.

And I can't ever have that again, not exactly how it was, or even how it wasn't... and I don't know when the next time I'll talk to him will be...

And I don't even know if he's heard from Shawn since he moved to Oklahoma City... Flo said he hadn't, but that was this afternoon, and even if he had, I don't think he would have told her.

I haven't heard from Shawn... but I don't know if that means anything, either.

I wish I could tell him to come here, and stay in town until he has heard from him... but I can't. I can't even tell him he can stay with Jess and Preston, because I didn't outright ask this afternoon, and she didn't pick up on my extremely subtle hints.

It's probably just as well, though. It would be weird. She knows a lot about him.

So I guess that tomorrow or Saturday he's going to walk out the door of his aunt's place and get in his car and leave, and go to OK City and sleep in his car for a few days if he has to, until he finds Shawn or finds someplace to go.

I really wish that there was something I could do to help, but hell, I can't even talk to him right now.

And I'm really sad about that, because I don't know when I'll get to talk to him again.

I haven't seen him since Sunday. I haven't heard his voice since Monday afternoon. And I've been talking to him online every once in a while, but I'm grounded... still... and if Mom woke up and came downstairs, she'd probably be pretty mad at me for this.

I don't think I care. And I don't think, at this rate, that I'm going to do very well on those tests tomorrow. I'm about due for a major depression, seeing as how I haven't really had one of them for the past three months.

Literally. I met him three months ago on Monday.

I just want to be taken as a person based on who I am, not how old I am. I want to be free to do what I want when I want. I want to be allowed to live my life the way I see fit.

And I want to spend three days in the same room with him, just to see if that'd be enough to make me sick of him.

Well... maybe not _just_ to do that... I'm sure I'd find something to occupy my time...

.....

I'm not entirely high-maintenance. But on the last night I know I can talk to him, it'd be nice if he'd talk to me.

I guess I get to go annoy him for a while, now... hopefully it'll take long enough that either his meeting will be over or I'll be too tired to stay on before he gets really pissed...