I wrote this for my Creative Writing class. Don't try to plagiarize it, everybody will know you didn't write it, because it's full of private jokes between me and my dad.

But I felt like sharing it with somebody whose IM program doesn't support file sharing when my email was down, so here it is: "Ten Wide".

DDD: Oh please, Dad! Come on, they�re perfect!

FFF: That�s what you said about the last eighteen.

DDD: Yes, but these are different! They�re the ones, I can tell!

FFF: You said that, too.

DDD: Oh, you�re impossible!

FFF: Besides, this is the first place we�ve looked. And we�ve been here for an hour. You haven�t even found any that�ve fit!

DDD: That�s why we�ve got to keep looking, Daddy.

FFF: When you find some that are just perfect, and that actually cost the perfect amount, you can try them on to see if they�re the perfect fit.

DDD: Daddy! Arrgh! I can�t go shopping with you anywhere!

FFF: What? It�s just a pair of shoes.

DDD: It�s not just a pair of shoes, Daddy. It�s my Prom shoes! And Prom is in less than two weeks!

FFF: Which is why you should have found shoes much sooner.

DDD: Now you�re just being malicious. Admit it.

FFF: Never. I haven�t a cruel bone in my body.

DDD: And now you�re lying, too. You just want to get out of shopping!

FFF: I didn�t say that.

DDD: But you meant it. Admit it.

FFF: Never! I�ll never surrender!

DDD: You know, you could have let me do this by myself.

FFF: And been broke until you were out of college.

DDD: I wouldn�t do that!

FFF: Oh really? Why do you think I�d believe that?

DDD: Because I have better taste than that, and I want you to keep buying me stuff.

(pause)

FFF: You may have a point there.

DDD: Of course I do. On the top of my head, I know.

FFF: (aside) Hey, at least she�s honest.

DDD: I heard that!

FFF: Heard what?

DDD: Your aside.

FFF: I haven�t the slightest idea what you�re talking about.

DDD: You don�t do innocent well. You�re too old and grizzled.

FFF: Now who�s being cruel?

DDD: All right, I�m sorry. Look, can we get back to the shoes? Please?

FFF: All right, fine. What about those over there?

DDD: Daddy. Dearest. We�re here to look at shoes for me, not shoes for you. Remember?

FFF: Oh yes. I knew there was a reason we were at the shoe store and not the bookstore�

DDD: Daddy, they don�t sell shoes in the bookstore�

FFF: Who said they did? If I was spending as much money as these crazy shoes cost on me, I�d be at the bookstore.

DDD: You�re incorrigible!

FFF: Yes, and you keep encouraging me.

DDD: Can we get back to the shoes? PLEASE?

FFF: All right, fine. You can calm down, you know. You look like you�re hyperventilating, or something.

DDD: I�m fine, Dad.

FFF: Are you sure? Maybe we should go home and get something to eat.

DDD: Dad! We�re at the mall! Home is two hours away, for crying out loud.

FFF: (aside) I know, that�s the whole point�

DDD: You know, I can hear you perfectly well when you do that. If you�ve got something to say, you might as well say it.

FFF: Yes, but that takes all the fun out of it.

DDD: Daddy! Please!

FFF: Yes dear?

DDD: You could give me your credit card. I�ll buy the shoes I need and get a taxi home. Or a bus. Or just stay here and you could pick me up later.

FFF: I thought the whole point of me going with you was to keep you from spending all my money, not give you an excuse to spend even more of it.

DDD: Oh, live a little.

FFF: That�s what I�m trying to do. By not being in debt, because that�s bad.

DDD: This shopping trip is not supposed to be financial lesson, you know. It�s counterproductive.

FFF: I don�t really see why. If you know that spending money is bad for you, then you wouldn�t be here and I could go home and watch the game.

DDD: Dad, the RedSox are not going to win.

FFF: They could!

DDD: (rolls her eyes) Yeah. Okay. Anyway� (pause) Let�s go to another store, I don�t think we�re going to find anything to agree on for shoes here.

FFF: What? The only problem I have is shoes that cost more than your dress.

DDD: Yeah, that�s not what I meant actually. I was talking about my feet and my taste.

FFF: What do you mean?

DDD: Ten wide, Dad. This store doesn�t have any wide shoes.

FFF: Yes they do, I saw some right over there�

DDD: Dad. Again, shopping for me here, not for you.

FFF: Yeah, I keep forgetting that�

DDD: Anyway, yes, they do have wide shoes, but not wide women�s dress shoes. Or at any rate, not any that I�d wear to Prom.

FFF: Why not?

DDD: Because they look like something someone�s grandmother would wear, only hopefully not, because they mostly come in orange and yellow. Atrocious colors, really, and they don�t match the dress at all.

FFF: Is that important?

DDD: Daddy! �Is that important� indeed! It�s the whole reason we�re shopping for shoes!

FFF: Really? Wow. I never knew.

DDD: Again, like I said before, you�re too old and grizzly to do cute and innocent. I have problems with that, and I�m still a teenager.

FFF: Oh all right, keep going.

DDD: Thank you.

FFF: You�re welcome.

DDD: Anyway, like I was saying, it�s very important for the shoes to match the dress. Only they mustn�t match the dress, because that would just look� odd.

FFF: What do you mean?

DDD: Just� trust me. It would.

FFF: Oh.

DDD: So what I need is shoes that are black, with maybe a little bit of silver, and possibly � just possibly � a touch of red.

FFF: But your dress isn�t red, I thought?

DDD: That�s true, it isn�t. And I�m very proud of you for having noticed that.

FFF: Thank you.

DDD: You�re welcome.

FFF: Thank you.

DDD: (turns and looks at him, raising an eyebrow) (pause) My dress is not red, no. It�s black with silver accents. But that�s not the point. The point is to find the shoes.

FFF: Oh yeah.

DDD: So what we need right now is a magic wand to wave so that I�ll find the perfect shoes at the perfect fit and the perfect price. That would be really nice right about now.

FFF: I don�t think you have any room to complain. We�re shopping. For you. I�m a guy. I have the right to complain. You�re a girl and we�re shopping for you. I don�t think you do.

DDD: Yes, but I�m getting very angry with these shoes.

FFF: Why? You liked them well enough before.

DDD: Yes, I know I did, Dad. But they don�t fit and they�re expensive and they wouldn�t look right with the dress.

FFF: Then why are we looking at them?

DDD: Because miracles happen?

FFF: Are you asking me or telling me?

DDD: Maybe both, I can�t tell.

FFF: (aside) I don�t think this bodes well for the rest of the day.

DDD: I already told you I can hear you when you do that, you know. Remember?

FFF: Yes, but unless I use an aside, the audience won�t understand that it�s my thoughts instead of just the conversation.

DDD: You�re very odd, Dad.

FFF: You love me anyway.

DDD: No I don�t. You�re too odd for love. It�d be like loving� I dunno, a Kewpie doll or something like that. Too insensible for somebody as insensible as me.

FFF: So what do you want?

DDD: I want the perfect shoes! Is that so hard to understand?

FFF: I�m a guy. So, yes.

DDD: It�s not like I�m taking you to the expensive stores, you know.

FFF: Excuse me? Fifty dollars for a pair of shoes isn�t expensive?

DDD: Not for formal shoes, no, not really.

FFF: Maybe I should just buy you pointe shoes. You�re going to be dancing, right?

DDD: Daddy, I�m not a ballerina. And I wouldn�t be dancing like a ballerina at Prom, even if I were one.

FFF: Didn�t you used to take ballet, though?

DDD: Yeah. When I was nine. And I wasn�t very good at it, if you don�t remember.

FFF: Oh yeah, I always forget that part�

DDD: I think that�s the point. (pauses, then makes drumroll noise)

FFF: (winces)

DDD: Sorry.

FFF: Can we get back to the shoes, then?

DDD: I thought that was my line?

FFF: No, I think it�s supposed to be mine, here.

DDD: Oh. Well, if you say so.

FFF: So. Right. The shoes.

DDD: Yeah. Okay. So we need shoes for me. And they have to be pretty, right?

FFF: Right. Because otherwise why would you buy them.

DDD: Whew. Well, I�m glad we got that straight.

FFF: Me too.

DDD: What do you think about those?

FFF: Which ones?

DDD: Those! The black ones with the silver buckles.

FFF: Do you mean the ones that cost $75, or the ones that only cost $74.99?

DDD: That isn�t helping, Daddy. I don�t actually mean either of those.

FFF: Then which ones do you mean?

DDD: The ones that would go really well with my dress. Four inch heels. See them?

FFF: I�m a guy. So, no.

DDD: Look, it�s those right there. (points emphatically)

FFF: Oh.

DDD: So, what do you think?

FFF: They�re� shoes�?

DDD: Come on, Daddy, you can do better than that.

FFF: How much do they cost?

DDD: Um� looks like about $35.

FFF: Do you honestly expect me to pay that, plus tax, for a shoe I could probably make myself?

DDD: Yes, I do. Because I know that you want to go home, and I know that I have the power to stay here all day.

FFF: I could leave you here, you know.

DDD: Yes, and then Mom�d have to maim you, and you wouldn�t really like that.

FFF: This is true, I wouldn�t like that.

DDD: So you have to buy me shoes. Which is the whole reason why we came here.

FFF: Don�t remind me� (to himself) I could be watching a RedSox game�

DDD: We all already know that, Daddy. We�re here to shop for shoes, not look at socks.

FFF: That wasn�t very nice.

DDD: I�m sorry.

FFF: All right, I forgive you.

DDD: Thank you.

FFF: You�re welcome.

DDD: We should stop with that, I think, instead of keeping going with it.

FFF: You�re probably right.

DDD: I think those shoes might actually do it, though. See? I think they even come in a ten wide!

FFF: So what are we waiting for?

DDD: I really don�t have the slightest idea, actually.

FFF: Really? How odd.

DDD: Yes, isn�t it?

FFF: Yes, it is.

DDD: Maybe we should go for it.

FFF: You may be right.

DDD: Are you ready?

FFF: I think so, although I don�t think my bank account is.

DDD: Ah, it�ll survive.

FFF: I might not.

DDD: Sure you will, don�t worry.

FFF: Isn�t that supposed to be �Don�t Panic�?

DDD: Are you close to panicking?

FFF: I don�t think so� I might be.

DDD: Is your name Douglas?

FFF: No.

DDD: Then I don�t think we need to worry about �Don�t Panic!�

FFF: I suppose not.

DDD: Exactly.

FFF: I think there�s nothing for it.

DDD: I think you�re right.

(pause)

DDD: Well, let�s go.

FFF: All right�

(pause)

DDD: Oh wow, Daddy! There�re lots more shoes inside! The window didn�t have hardly any!

FFF: (groans) Here we go again�

.......

I'm sorry that it's probably the next best thing to impossible to read, but I felt lazy. And so now I'm going to embarrass myself. :D